


Gotham Sucks

by Smokeycut



Category: Batman - Fandom
Genre: Canon is broad strokes, Mostly self contained one offs, lots of crack
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-15
Updated: 2017-05-03
Packaged: 2018-10-19 01:11:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 955
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10629051
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Smokeycut/pseuds/Smokeycut
Summary: Gotham is a stupid place, and a lot of stupid things happen there.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Context: I was joking with some friends about what would happen if Bruce got stuck in Canada for a month and Cassandra became Batman in his absence.

Bruce had only been back a week, but the family could already tell something was off. He seemed to be his normal surly yet fatherly self, but there was something hiding just behind his eyes. Naturally, Cassandra was the first to notice.

“Tim. Something wrong,” she whispered, nudging her brother with her elbow.

“Huh? Are you worried Bruce is upset at you for being Batman while he was gone?” Tim doubted it. After all, he thought, Bruce had been training Cass for exactly that scenario.

“No. He’s… different.” She furrowed her eyebrows, searching for the words. “It changed him.”

“It was just Canada. Don’t worry about it, Cass, Bruce will be fine.”

His sister grumbled, but conceded. It was a few days later that her fears were proven true however, as Dick found their adoptive father in the batcave, looking at charts on the gigantic computer. All he saw were the words “Fantasy League” before Bruce closed the window and stomped out of the cave, scowling. Assuming that Batman was putting together a new Justice League, either with his favorite superheroes or with magical heroes. How wrong he was…

It was a full month after Bruce came back from Canada that the truth was revealed. Duke and Jason came back from patrol to find the manor quiet and dark. Not too surprising, considering the fact that their siblings were all either sleeping or still out in the city. What did surprise them was the light and sound coming from the living room. Someone was using the tv. Duke assumed it was Tim and Cassandra, watching cartoons. Jason thought Damian and Dick, home early from patrols and catching up on their soaps. What they saw scarred them for life.

Their own father, Bruce Wayne, was sitting on the couch. Rather than his usual dress shirt and slacks, he wore a jersey and baggy sweat pants. His gaze was fixed on the television, watching a game of hockey with a disturbing intensity in his eyes, the kind he usually reserved for cases. Duke and Jason heard him whisper something under his breath.

“Go Leafs”


	2. A Son

"So. Heard you have a son," Dick stated, staring daggers at Bruce, his arms folded across his chest. He was standing in the center of the batcave in full costume, and the sneer he wore with it unlike any other expression Bruce had seen from Dick in the past. "A son. Singular."

"Dick, that isn't what I meant when I sai-" he was cut off by a sharp, piercing crack over his comm device. He flinched in pain and looked around, bewildered as to what just happened.

"Hey Bruce!" Jason called from over the comm. "If you're wondering, that was my gun. See, a little scarlet speedster told me you only have _one_ kid. Now, normally I'm a calm, rational man, but that just got my goat. So from now on, I'm thinking I'll randomly fire my gun right next to a comm device while on your frequency. Have fun with that, asshole."

And with that, Jason's voice was gone. Bruce looked back to Dick, only to find that he had stormed off, leaving the doorway at the top of the stairs hanging open. The caped crusader sighed and sat down in the chair in front of the bat computer. He pulled off his mask and leaned back, staring at the blank monitors, only to see them blink to life.

Tim's face was the first thing he noticed, followed by Batwoman standing in the background. Tim was smiling, but Kate had a sneer not unlike Dick's. 

"Hey Bruce, it's Tim. I heard the news from Jason, and I was a bit surprised. Sad too. Then I talked to Kate and she agreed to be my mom! Isn't that great, Bruce? I _finally_ have a parent. It was really awkward living with my boss, but you don't have to worry about that anymore." He proceeded to give Bruce the finger, as did Kate, just before the video cut off.

Bruce held his head in his hands, deeply regretting his choice of words and praying that Tim was just joking about moving in with Kate. He didn't have long to contemplate his mistakes, as he was soon called upstairs by Duke. He closed his eyes and silently prayed to whatever gods would listen that Duke had yet to hear about the "a son" comment, but was sorely disappointed.

Duke stood in the center of the living room, wearing his civilian clothes. He had a picture of himself and Bruce at Disney World in one hand, and a lighter in the other.

"Take it back, Bruce," he demanded. "Apologize and I'll consider forgiving you."

"I'm sorry, Duke," Bruce admitted truthfully. "I didn't mean it like that, and I should have phrased it differently. Now please, put down the lighter..."

Duke looked at the photo, with Bruce actually smiling on Splash Mountain, surrounded by his family. Duke looked at Bruce, tense and incredibly uncomfortable. Duke conceded, dropped the lighter... and cut Bruce's face out of the picture with a pair of scissors he had kept in his back pocket before stomping off and going to his room. Before Bruce could follow him, he was punched in the solar plexus by a small, dark haired girl wearing a dance leotard. 

Cassandra. She watched coldly as Bruce crumpled to the floor, then grabbed her bag and left, soon to be picked up by Christine for ballet practice. 

"Father," Damian called over the comm. "You insulted my siblings and owe them each an apology. Give them whatever they want and they will consider relenting. If not, they will make your life hell, and I will assist them all. Good day."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was written in response to Batman #22 by Tom King. As the girlfriend of an adoptive mother, fuck that issue. Adopted kids are just as real as biological kids.


End file.
